Too Open

So when I last left, I was taken over with butterflies.  I couldn’t get enough. But maybe he could?

It’s not that we’re on bad terms now.  There just are no terms.  I don’t know what to expect, and I don’t think he wants me to.  Some might look at it as mind games being played, but I know better.  I think that’s why I haven’t really done anything to stop what’s happened. I know that he needs to put himself first — this may be the first time he’s ever done that.  But it’s what he needs.

He came to visit me.  Waiting for the day he arrived built up so much anticipation.  I think we both knew that we would enjoy each other’s company, but we both were prepaaring for the worst.  We had an amazing time together; couldn’t keep away from each other.  When he had to leave, I think he was ready to take a step back.  Unbeknownst to me, of course.  I was beyond smitten.

I fell, and there wasn’t any denying it.  But I think the difference between us is that I was looking for something before we met.  He wasn’t.  And there it is.  I won’t ask if there’s such a thing as “too open” or “too ready.”  I was ready, and he wasn’t.  It’s just that simple.  I can’t blame myself, because it’s taken me years to get here.  I can’t blame him, because he didn’t think either of us could have feelings this fast.  But I did.  Maybe he did too. But he knew enough to stop things, or at least put them on hold (whatever this is) until he could actually do something about whatever it is that he felt. Maybe.

All I know is that I’m getting on a plane in an hour.  I don’t know what will happen when I get there, but I do know that I wouldn’t object to having his arms around  me one more time.  If the season has ended, I look back with no regrets.  I was ready, I was open.  That’s progress.  There are still butterflies to be had.

Butterflies in Springtime

I’m not a sappy girl.  Not overly mushy, I don’t gush, but I still blush when I get embarrassed.  I wouldn’t say that I’m shy, but I’m very… aware.  But he gives me butterflies every time he calls or sends a text; every time I think about being near him.  All of the fluttering starts to build, and I’m so (internally) flustered.

As we get to know each other, it’s like peeling back layers of an onion.  With each layer, we reveal something new to each other.  Every time he tells me something new, the butterflies return to remind me of his effect on me.  When he reveals even the tiniest inkling of how he feels about me, the butterflies multiply, and he can hear my smile in the dark from thousands of miles away.

I love when people get closer and begin to find their rhythm, but I’m not ready to let go of my butterflies.  Not yet.

Far, Far Away

I try not to put too much weight on new situations too soon.  Especially something that’s long distance, where a lot of times you feel like you never really know what the other person expects or intends.  But then there are moments when you feel a flicker of something that makes you wonder what could be.

I’m not going to get all sappy on you, nor will I make some crazy declaration of love, but I will say that I have a strong like for a certain someone.  I know people are always saying something’s different about their significant other, and it always seems so corny, but something about this really does feel different.  Ugh, and I promise I won’t gush.

Since the moment I met him, there was something electric.  I haven’t wanted to take my eyes off of him.  What’s funny, is that when I rounded the corner to say hello and shake his hand, I think we were both taken aback by the sight of each other.  He seemed surprised by my appearance (but at the time I couldn’t tell if that was a good surprise or not).  We shook hands, and when I went back to sit down, he stayed back out of view.  Though he spoke to both me and my friend, he rarely looked at me, and I remember hoping he would sit next to me.  He didn’t.

That night and the next day, I saw him several more times.  We were both all smiles the entire time.  I was a little embarrassed at how much I stared, but there was just something about him that kept my attention.  I still don’t think I can articulate it completely.  It’s not simply a physical attraction.  Before we actually spoke, I felt like I knew him.  There’s this connection that we both feel.  But still, I don’t think he gets why I’m into him.

We didn’t really express anything until I’d come back home, but I think we both knew that SOMEthing was there.  I don’t think either of us could admitted it face to face.  Maybe the distance helped us work up the nerve, or maybe we just needed a moment to talk without anyone else around.  Either way, I just smile.

When I hear from him, even though he’s far away, I’m content enough to not even think about how far away we are from each other.  I just think about the next time I’ll see him.  I think we have great potential.

It’s weird, I know, but I’m hopeful.  I’m not going to be dramatic; I’ll just say that he was an unexpected, but welcomed, surprise.  I don’t know that anything will really happen, but I can say that there’s promise.

Stay tuned!

“Writing is a struggle against silence.” ~Carlos Fuentes

“The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe.”  ~Gustave Flaubert

“My writing process is more like a work in progress. It hasn’t changed that much since my first novel, although I am slightly less terrified of the process now, but it’s far from perfect. It usually goes something like this: figure out how long I have until final, drop-dead deadline, calculate how many words I would need to write every single day between now and then to make that deadline, pledge to start that very afternoon, and then procrastinate for six more weeks. It goes downhill from there. Once I’m actually seated at a computer, there’s always a white noise machine in the background, noise cancellation headphones clamped over both ears, a liter of coffee or Diet Coke or both, and an addiction to the internet so intense I can easily lose three hours to a single Google search of “Nicole Richie’s son’s name?”. It’s not pretty, but eventually I get scared enough to start putting some words down on paper, and once I get to that point, I really do enjoy it.” ~Lauren Weisberger  (Clearly one of my favorites)

“I think it’s important to point out that I sold GOOD IN BED in 2000, and did not quit my day job until Book One was published, Book Two was written, and Books Three and Four were under contract.”  ~Jennifer Weiner

“The first step in blogging is not writing them but reading them.”  ~Jeff Jarvis